I am Emily Joy Bell

A friend tagged me in her story a few months ago and challenged me to share 5 things about myself. Several weeks ago I wrote this, but then complained to Colby that I felt like I was “too serious” and never shared the following:

It’s 3am here in Taiwan on the early morning of travel day. We have a 3 hour flight, followed by a 4 hour layover, followed by a 9 hour red-eye flight ahead. I most definitely should be sleeping. But I’m not.

WHY?!?

The question I’ve asked myself a thousand times and the question we all ask ourselves when anything is contrary to our will.

Well, the simple answer is I’ve got a migraine and my body is struggling to process or eliminate something. It’s become a familiar routine, unfortunately. I wake up in great pain at 1:30am. I desperately swallow some medicine and pray for relief. Then I wait. I toss and turn in the bed until finally either sleep overtakes me, or more likely, I can’t stand the tossing in agony any longer and must DO something.

So tonight I got up and I showered and my thoughts led me here. What 5 things do I share about myself?

1. I get migraines. I have for more than 25 years. They started in my childhood and have continued ever since. I have tried many, many things for them, but the most successful so far for pain relief for me remains sumatriptan. So that’s what I use and thank God for every time I need it — far more often than I wish.
2. I was born with a strong, fierce, independent, but very happy spirit. One of those ones that make a parent buckle down and think “oh boy… here we go.” I was that kid. I used to resent and hate that, but I think finally I’m coming to accept it as I have one of those kids myself. I was determined to not let my migraines cripple me. I am determined to not let having migraines define me… but they kind of have… in a good way I guess. I was absolutely not going to accept living life shut in a dark room with blankets sealing out all the light.
3. I have accomplished what I have in life not despite living with migraines, but BECAUSE I have lived with migraines. They taught me to seize the moment. Time and time again when I’ve felt like I was drowning they taught me to fill my lungs with air so deeply and breathe. They taught me that I could endure hard things. They taught me to embrace life and all the good moments and fill my heart with gratitude.
4. I was born with a strong, competitive, body and mind. After having reconstructive kidney surgery at 3 years old I was back at the gym within 2 weeks crossing the monkey bars with a 6-inch incision healing across my side. What?! I didn’t even know three-year-olds crossed monkey bars. I graduated from college when I was 20 years old and had a masters degree when I was 25. Why? Who was I competing with? Myself. I was determined to prove to myself that I would not give up. I would not give in. I would fight tooth and nail, even despite excruciating pain to accomplish my dreams. I knew I could do it. I knew I would do it. Not despite the migraines, but because of the migraines. AND because I love the rush. I love the thrill of success I feel when I accomplish something challenging.
5. I love my body. I used to feel betrayed by it. I used to feel betrayed and abandoned by God… but now, through childbirth, I have literally and voluntarily walked to the brink of death and back and know that my body did not betray me and neither did God. He was all around me. My body has worked tirelessly for me. My body is a champion. My body is a hero. It is not perfect and I still pray for desperate relief each time the pain overtakes me, and I pray day in and day out to not walk alongside these trials and pains anymore, but,
6. I am full of faith. I have a vision that my body can and WILL be healed. I see it. I believe it. God knows I know it and the universe knows it. It is coming.

Oops, that’s six things. I guess you can add “long winded” and “rule bender” to the list and make it 7.

Well, now, after 7 months of full-time travel, I’m home in Utah and we just learned that I have cancer.

Yes, c.a.n.c.e.r. It feels defining. It feels definitive.

But I am not cancer.

I am Emily Joy Bell.

I am that little girl with the strong, fierce, happy spirit. I am that girl with the strong, competitive body and mind. I still love my body. It has not betrayed me. I am still full of faith. And where my doubts and fears lie I have a desperate desire to replace them with faith. I look to God. I will not let cancer define me… but then again, if it’s anything like my migraines (or even the cause of them) then it WILL define me — in a good way. Maybe it will shape and mold me into the person God knew I needed to be.

So here I am God. Remake me.